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Practical Advice
For Coping With
Difficult Kids, Parents

Every teacher has at least one of them -- the student who does everything possible to disrupt his or her own learning and who is constantly trying to pull others over to the dark side.

Separate (but not always) from the student nudge is the parent every principal dreads. He or she is on the phone daily or in the office, demanding administrators drop everything to acknowledge and promptly remedy whatever issue is on his or her agenda.

Enough to make you want to…you know.

Shutting Down Tattling Students who insist on tattling to a teacher not only distract other students but also waste valuable classroom time. To thwart tattling, teachers first need to make the distinction between tattling and reporting, said Marty Appelbaum. “Reporting involves something you need to know." Appelbaum offered these recommendations for terminating tattling: Put up a picture of the U.S. president in front of the room and suggest students tell their “news" to the president. Say “Thank you." Tell the students to save the information for Tattle Time -- and never schedule Tattle Time. Post a giant ear on the classroom wall and tell students to talk to the ear. Instruct students to fill out a form. Put one child in charge of hearing all tattles. If there are multiple versions of an event, tell students to settle on one story.

Impossible as it may seem, the key to dealing with your most difficult students and parents is maintaining your composure, Marilyn Appelbaum and her son Marty of Appelbaum Training Institute told an audience of teachers and principals at the 2008 Association for School Curriculum Development (ASCD) conference. “Whatever it takes for you, stay calm," Marilyn Appelbaum said.

SET POSITIVE TONE, RULES

The Appelbaums are former teachers who now train teachers and administrators in classroom management techniques.

The key to managing difficult students is to set the tone early in the year by establishing rules and getting to know the children. “The behavior that has to change is yours," said Marty Appelbaum. “A teacher’s job is to look and find student strengths, not weaknesses."

Students benefit from structure, consistency, and connection, noted Marilyn Appelbaum. Children should participate in setting the rules for the class. “The more involved they are, the more likely they are to follow the rules," she noted. Then teachers need to follow through, re-enforce positive behaviors, and be role models.

“Many kids don’t have or see positive role models," according to Marilyn Appelbaum. “You don’t know what kids see -- kids copy what you do."

Teachers can learn a lot from “greeting and reading" students at the classroom door. As teachers welcome students, they can get a “read" of children’s moods, and can see who might need a little more attention during the day or a little distance. “It [greeting and reading] says you care and you get a sense of their attitude for the day," Marilyn Appelbaum said.

MAKE CONNECTIONS

A little preparation at start of school also can mean the difference between defusing and escalating a situation with a difficult student, said Marty Appelbaum. At the beginning of the year, teachers should spend three minutes a day for 20 days learning about each child, he suggested. That could be as simple as asking kids what they like to watch on TV. “Try to get to know something about each child," he advised. “The more you connect, the less you have to correct." You can use that information to communicate with a difficult student.

Marty Appelbaum said he remains grateful to his third-grade teacher who “changed him" by using her insight to draw him out without setting him apart or embarrassing him. He did not like to raise his hand in class, so the teacher suggested to him one day that he raise his hand with fist closed when he didn’t want to be called on. When he raised his hand with the fist open, she knew to call on him because he had the right answer.

Helping Students Calm Themselves Children today are under more stress than ever before, said Marilyn Appelbaum. Teachers can help students learn to defuse some of their stress. Tell a student to push the “pause" button -- that is, stop and take a breath. Suggest a child be a turtle and curl up inside his or herself for a minute. Pick up a feather duster and “dust off" a student’s bad mood. Encourage students to bring in a photo of something that calms them. Have them put the photo in a box in their desk so they can look at it when they feel stressed. Distribute or suggest kids bring in stress balls to squeeze.

His teacher also noticed that often other children teased him on the playground, Marty Appelbaum said. She told him to put his hand on his brow if he needed her to move closer to him, which could disperse bullies.

TAKE FIVE

When challenging students do find the button to push that makes you want to let loose with that visceral scream, difficult as it sounds, teachers need to learn to delay their response and their anger, Marilyn Appelbaum said.

“If you call attention to negative behavior, it will expand," she said. “If a student is misbehaving, try just going up and looking at him or her." A simple pause also can distract the student and the class from the behavior.

Another strategy is to lower your voice rather than raise it. “Try speaking more softly," she said. “I watched a first grade teacher manage a class by speaking softly. The lower you go, they lower they go."

Other approach: Offering the student two positive choices, such as either going to the math center or doing a math sheet. “He or she needs to choose one. Never argue."

Adults also can “break the frame" with an offbeat comment, Marilyn Appelbaum said. “If someone is in your face, say something to break the thought."

And always remember to “follow-through and reinforce positive behaviors."

AND NOW FOR THE GROWNUPS…

When dealing with difficult parents, patience and restraint also are key, Marilyn Appelbaum noted.

Many parents, of course, have legitimate concerns. Others are chronically difficult -- which is probably the way they are in most situations, she added.

Marilyn Appelbaum applied some of her strategies to a situation described by a principal in the audience.

One particular parent, the principal said, insisted on bringing her son to school late and picking him up early. She also wanted his teacher to compile any work he missed by arriving late and leaving early. While the principal said the parent wanted to avoid waiting in the line of cars in front of the school, the parent said her son became stressed while waiting in traffic. The parent kept postponing face-to-face meetings with the principal and instead contacted the board of education, an attorney, the superintendent, and a parent advocate to plead her case. The parent also offered to supply a doctor’s note about her son’s condition, the principal said.

In dealing with this type of parent, Marilyn Appelbaum suggested that a principal set up a meeting with the parent, offering a choice of times. Welcome the parent when he or she arrives and offer the person chocolate and a hot drink, which can be soothing. Tell the parent something positive about his or her child and mention something you have done with the child.

Try not to argue, Marilyn Appelbaum said, and practice “power" listening -- say, “Really?" “Aaah" and nod head frequently. Take good notes during the meeting and then set up a framework for a team approach to solving the problem.

The particular challenge of dealing with these types of people is that they can make you feel guilty and/or sorry for them; they “rush" you; that is, want your attention right away; and can make you lose your cool.

When confronted with a challenging parent, Marty Appelbaum recommended principals turn to the ABCD method of staying in control: Arrest yourself, Breathe deeply, use Calming statements, and then Do it again.

“Never argue, yell, get defensive, or behave unprofessionally," Marilyn Appelbaum advised.

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